I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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