I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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