I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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