There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
