highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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