Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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