I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
