I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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