would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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