got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
