So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
