There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
