when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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