Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
