He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
