somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
