I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
