Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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