i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
