if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
