my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
