idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
