I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
