My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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