she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
