Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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