I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
