Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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