im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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