I accidentally had phone sex last night
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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