remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
