I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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