Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize