Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Randomize
