I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
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