I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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