I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
