put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
