fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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