i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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