my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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