She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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