How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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