I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
