The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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