We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
How's work?
Spinning.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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