im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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