i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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