omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
