She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
