i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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