her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
