took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
