just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dignity is for republicans.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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