a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
