alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
