Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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