Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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