Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
