I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize