she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
