I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
This is my gift to your gina
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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