i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
