so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
