As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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